04/08/2026
🚨 MISSING PERSONS REPORT 🚨
A number of our regulars have gone missing. This is highly suspicious, as they’ve shown up here more consistently than at their own jobs.
Descriptions:
• Respond to their name OR “another round?”
• Believe their barstool is legally owned property
• Have said “I’m heading out” at least 3 hours before actually leaving
• Suddenly become philosophers after 2 drinks and DJs after 4
Last seen: Holding court like unpaid therapists, solving the world’s problems, and absolutely not texting back whoever they said they would.
If located, do not approach—they will try to tell you a long story that goes nowhere.
Instead, gently guide them back to the bar. Their drinks are getting warm and their opinions are getting worse without an audience.
Reward: Cold beer, loud laughs, and zero judgment (okay, a little judgment).
We’re not saying we’re worried… but your barstools have started seeing other people.
