10/31/2026
BREAKING: VILLAGE OF BLADENBORO PREPARES FOR ANNUAL BEAST INVASION
Citizens, secure your livestock, lock your doors, and tell your cousins from Elizabethtown that we have absolutely everything under control.
It's that time of year again.
BEAST FEST 2026 IS APPROACHING.
For those unfamiliar with our prestigious municipality's historical achievements, Bladenboro is one of the few places in North Carolina that managed to turn reports of a mysterious creature into an annual community celebration.
Some towns have a famous bridge.
Some have a historic courthouse.
We have an alleged bloodthirsty cryptid and a festival committee.
And frankly, we think that says a lot about our economic development strategy.
According to the county's event calendar, Beast Fest activities begin October 25, with the main festivities scheduled for downtown Bladenboro on Halloween, October 31.
That's right.
The same town that once had people concerned about a mysterious animal is now inviting everybody downtown to celebrate it.
Only in Bladenboro could a suspected monster eventually become a tourism opportunity.
Our completely fictional Village Department of Cryptid Management and Unexplained Livestock Incidents has issued the following recommendations:
🐾 If you see glowing eyes in the woods, remain calm. It may be the Beast. It may be a raccoon. It may be somebody from Clarkton looking for a shortcut.
🚗 Visitors from Elizabethtown are reminded that the Village maintains strict immigration policies regarding superior parking spaces.
📸 Anyone capturing photographic evidence of the Beast is asked to use a camera manufactured sometime after 2007. We have endured enough blurry pictures.
🍗 Any livestock displaying suspicious behavior should immediately report to the Department of Agricultural Paranormal Affairs.
🎃 Halloween costumes are encouraged. Dressing as an actual functioning municipal budget is prohibited because nobody would recognize you.
The Village would also like to remind residents that the Beast has never submitted a formal application for residency, obtained a business license, or attended a public hearing.
Which, in fairness, already puts it ahead of several fictional members of our administration.
We look forward to welcoming visitors, supporting local businesses, and celebrating the legendary creature that has somehow managed to generate more consistent publicity than most municipal strategic initiatives.
LONG LIVE THE BEAST.
And remember, citizens:
If you hear something growling in the woods this October, don't panic.
It's probably just the Village Finance Department reviewing next year's budget.
