12/07/2022
I never liked pictures taken by others, you know they usually look unbelievably ugly, but I love this birthday photo today. It shows how happy I am. I wasn’t always this strong happy person I see now. In my 20’s, I was this low self esteem girl never felt fit in because of how I look, 20LB lighter than current weight was never skinny enough, always feeling guilty eating of any food. Despite the fact I was a brilliant chef, food and myself had pretty horrible relationships. Big appetite, bigger guilt. I used to go for hours of running in middle of the night crying for what I ate. Even spent hours in bathroom sometimes. In my 30’s, I was always tired running this business alone. Train wrecks everyday, it was hard to feel peace when something is always going wrong in the kitchen and someone is complaining at front in same time. Hard work paid off, restaurant was doing great but I never felt peace, always being fear of what I might lose next. And few years ago, when I found huge embezzlement done by trusted-now former staffs, all my emotions went pure anger. I joined boxing gym, even bought punching bags for my home for Sundays when the gym was closed. I had to non stop beating the s**t out. Soon after that period of time, pandemic happened and I nearly lost everything in one week. I worked so hard, couldn’t even remember what I had been angry for. And that was actually the best thing ever happened to me. I didn’t focus on what I lost but started to create with what I have, build many things, tried new ideas to let people knows who I am. Business survived, and became better than ever. I am more confident, being fearless, I may lose but I can build again. Its funny how that change everything. I no longer work out as punishment of what I ate, instead, it is a celebration of what I can do with my body. I feel like a million bucks whenever I work out. And food is fuel and reward that I enjoy the most. I don’t have to punch anyone to win or to justify anymore cause I am winning every fight in me. Today I have more than what I dreamed of. I am a big deal to me and kind of amazing in my own way. Happy Birthday to Me:)