07/02/2026
BREAKING: NEW YORK HAD A PEACE MESSAGE. SAN ANTONIO HAD PRIORITIES.
Earlier today, Russian rooftop climbers Angela Nikolau and Ivan Beerkus, stars of Netflix’s Skywalkers: A Love Story, made headlines after climbing the antenna atop the Empire State Building. Once they reached the top, they unfurled a massive banner promoting peace before Ivan proposed. She said yes, and the couple was later arrested after climbing down safely.
A few hours later, San Antonio decided to respond…
Witnesses claim local couple Edgar and Lupe somehow found themselves standing on top of the Tower of the Americas beneath a giant black flag that read:
EAT PERFECT TENDER
There was no message about world peace.
No political statement.
No artistic performance.
Just a man, his future wife, and a Giant Cheese Stick.
According to several completely unreliable eyewitnesses, Edgar ripped into Perfect Tender’s world famous Giant Cheese Stick and pulled the cheese so high it could be seen from I 35.
Tourists started pointing.
Traffic slowed.
One guy reportedly asked if NASA was testing something.
After the legendary cheese pull, Edgar looked at Lupe and said,
“Baby… life’s too short for bad chicken.”
He dropped to one knee.
“Will you marry me… and then let’s go get the best hot chicken in San Antonio?”
Lupe immediately said yes.
The crowd erupted.
Someone started chanting, “One more cheese pull!”
Another person yelled, “Extra comeback sauce!”
Within minutes, half the people watching were on their phones trying to figure out where Perfect Tender was.
The proposal was beautiful.
The cheese stick disappeared in under three minutes.
And somewhere in New York, the Russian couple probably wondered why their international headline somehow turned into free advertising for a hot chicken restaurant in San Antonio.
Disclaimer: The Empire State Building climb really happened. Everything involving Edgar, Lupe, the Tower of the Americas, and the Giant Cheese Stick is satire. But if it ever did happen, everyone knows where they’d celebrate afterward. 🍗🧀
